My first born

 

   Being a mom at any age is hard. No instructions are included and lets be real the What to Expect When you're Expecting is an amazing book however when you are lacking sleep and covered in baby puke that book does nothing to help. I had the odds stacked against me. Not only did I become a mom at 20 I was in an abusive relationship, unemployed, lacked confidence and started to lose sight of the independent women I once was. In the midst of trying to keep the lie held together that my relationship was fine, that I was fine those two lines appeared on that pregnancy test and my world shifted. I now had this tiny life that I would not let anyone harm. Mama bear mode kicked in real quick and planning begun. I knew once the doctor said it, this tiny human who kicked me and made me sick with everything I ate was a girl that my entire world would no longer be about me it would all be about her.
  Pregnancy does not eliminate abuse. I knew that from the start but of course you hope for the best in people. You want to believe that people can change, which is true for some but unfortunately not all. I had begun to sing to this tiny baby, to promise her no matter how loud those arguments were that she could hear mamas love and would never let her be apart of those. I begun to drown out his words of hate with bible scripture. I would read her the bible or the amazing tunes of Ray Charles. Immediately she would calm. It was as if she was here to save me not me for her.
  My family could not wait to meet this new bundle of joy. Her name was chosen Taliyah (dew of God; female lamb) Rae (wise protection). She was born 7 days early ironically on my best friends birthday. Her delivery was a 9 hour back and forth walk down hospital floors with my mom and sister. Her birth was difficult cord wrapped around her neck multiple times followed by an immediate rush to NICU to remove fluids in her lungs. She came out a strong relentless fighter. When they brought her back and everyone left it was just us two in the room everything in my life for the first time felt right. I held that tiny baby sang her you are my sunshine and twinkle little star and that big eyed baby who just went through so many pokes within her first hours of life looked at me and smiled the biggest smile. I made her a promise that life will be hard and things won't come easy but it will always be okay, your mama will always take care of you.
  Her first months like most babies were filled with sleepless nights, tons of hugs and kisses and all the attention she needed. She was still soothed by Ray Charles and loved her auntie/twin enough to crawl to her first. She was an amazingly alert baby, she had to be in everything and brought the most amazing joy into my life however there was still an enormous dark cloud that would appear every now and than like most domestically violent relationships and I finally was brave enough to uphold my promise. I became a single mother at 21 with this 8 month old baby. To say I felt like a failure is an understatement. I had moved out at 18 with my own car, a job, huge dreams and now I had no car, no job, no money, no bank account. I had to be honest for the first time that my entire relationship was a lie, that the brave girl who swore I would never let a man lay a hand on me lived in fear for 4 years. I had made so many stories of how bruises appeared and felt not worthy to have this amazing girl. But God!    
  Years pass and custody battles came and went and heartache came with all of it along with a confused resentful little girl. But God! Years later I met this amazing man who not only loved me but treated this amazing 4 year old girl as his own. He's never used the term stepdad or has allowed anyone else to he is her father and my amazing husband. He had wiped her tears when she's cried, he's painted her nails, became a stay at home dad to attend all her kindergarten field trips and loved her the way she was supposed to be loved.
  We celebrated this amazing girls 12th birthday this past week. Her dream has always been Paris so we did just that Paris theme party for now and one day real Paris. She dreams big and knows the hurt of her past is their to help heal someone else with her story. She knows she is amazing, that she is meant to dream and know that anything is possible. She knows that some people are for a reason, a season and a lifetime, that father doesn't have to be blood related. That no matter what you fight for what's right and life will not be easy but we will figure it out and whatever may come our way mama gots her. Who I would be without her isn't even worth thinking about!